Sometimes when I say, "I'm okay," I want someone to look me in the eyes, hug me tight, and say "I know you're not".
Monday, April 15, 2013 | 4:22 AM | 0 comments
It’s a long long journey,
and I need to be close to you.
Sometimes it feels no one understands,
I don’t even know why I do the things I do.
When pride builds me up till I can’t see my soul.
Will you break down these walls and pull me through.
——Journey/张韶涵
I'm not some sad, depressed monster. I'm really not sad all the time. I'm actually happy most of the time. But life has been an emotional roller coaster for me. Everything out there is making me lose control and I really do my best to brush it off. I talk to my friends, I change the bloody subject and even attempt to laugh a little. I try to move on and try to conquer my problems. I'm still hoping for everything to go away altogether Until then, I'll just remain as a happy person who just gets emotional from time to time, just like everyone else.
I forgot what genuine happiness felt like but when I did, I felt it with every part of me. It's just gone now, and I'm left with this empty feeling, like there's something missing. Everywhere I look, the people around me, they are all smiling and living their lives with happiness. Maybe they are just like me. Or maybe not. I used to be like that too, but now I'm just envying them, wishing I could turn back time. I don't even know whether I'm regretting my decision or not. Nobody knows it, the feeling of loneliness that I feel like terminating my existence. Everyday, I'm living my life like some robot and I'm sick and tired of it. One second, I feel like some shit and the other, I can be laughing and smiling like as if nothing ever went wrong.
So tomorrow's my birthday. I've been in such a horrible mood that I'm not even excited for my birthday. It feels like any other day, just going to school, dying to go back home to sleep. Last year, the year before, I used to always be so excited for my birthday. But I'm feeling so overwhelmed right now, I feel like as if I'm being alienated.
Hence, my birthday wish.
Bye.
