I think I'm ugly and nobody wants to love me. Just like her I wanna be pretty.
Monday, August 8, 2011 | 5:57 AM | 0 comments
Sometimes you wish you could run away. But then you realize you have no where else to go.
Why do you always crush the last hope that I have?
I looked forward for tomorrow. I thought you knew, then you said you didn't. Then I get 3 scoldings. Why do things like these always happen before I go out. Before Grad Party. Before going to Parkway. Before going to Sam's house. Before going to Lala's house. I always have to go through scoldings. Did you ever consider my feelings? I envy all my friends who get to go out and have fun together. While I stay at home. I try my best to satisfy you all. But I always screw it up. Do you know how bad I feel? I can understand whenever you doubt me. I understand but it hurts. To know that you don't trust me. "Don't lie to me." Now, I don't feel like going. I want to stay at home. I want none of these to have happened. I bet you won't let me go out anymore now right? Lala, Vic and Ke En. They are really nice. They treat me very well. But they are loud and the 'high' type. Heh, I think you will call me not to be friends with them. And I think I'm right. You all say everyone outside are not trustworthy... My KCP friends all went back to visit. But I didn't go. I understand, cause it would be troublesome, so I did not press it further. But I still miss them no matter what. Friends or Enemies. Memories are still made.
Maybe it's just my thinking but, why do you all want me to treat my friends like shit? Y'all are not satisfied with them, then you all call me to not be their friends. Do you know how hard is it to make one close friend? It takes time. A lot of time. Just when I become close with one person, you all go saying how that person is bad. And how I should ignore them. You know, in Primary 5. I dropped one class, so most of the people there are strangers to me. Me and Ying-ah had the longest friendship. 3/4 of a year. She can be loud, rude but that's her. And I love her for being her. When you all called me to not be her friend, she cried so much. It was then I realized, this friendship thingy, will hurt both parties. Not just one. It's just being selfish. Maybe it's the modern world for friends and cliques to be very important.
Why? Why am I not allowed to go out with my friends? It's the same place. It's just that I am going earlier with my friends. I thought. I really thought I could go out and have fun with them along with Kar Yee. Kar Yee and her clique of friends knew. They knew my friends were coming along. When I told my friends I couldn't go. I felt selfish,stingy and guilty again. They looked forward to meeting me and having fun with me too. But because of my selfish actions, I spoilt everything. And they decided not to go by themselves. Cause they are only going because of me. And they say, if there are only 3 people, it won't be fun. Sacrifice. For me. Again.
You know, when you all scolded me, i really tried freaking hard to hold back my tears. I just didn't want to look weak in front of them. I bit my lips and held it for 10minutes. Then I went to the toilet, cried my heart out. It felt like as if my wish, a big one to me, just shattered and crashed into pieces.
My eyes are burning, My head is hurting.
I feel like dying.
In this post, I may sound selfish, unfilial, ungrateful but I just want to say what's in my heart.
Why is it so hard for me to show my real feelings in front of you?
But thanks for being with me for the whole of my life.
I appreciate it... I really do...
But Why..?
